The hard part..

I have been staring at this screen for a while now, trying to find the words to express what happened today. This is one of those hard days that can happen during the adoption journey. You pray it doesn't happen, but it does quite often.  Our birth mother gave birth today.....and then decided she was going to parent.

I received this call early this evening from our agency in Arizona. I could tell within seconds of answering this was not going to be the happy call I was expecting. Almost 8 years ago, this same woman called me to tell me Isaiah had been born. I remember that call like it was yesterday. The joy in her voice and the words she used "YOUR son was born this morning!"  The best feeling in the world.

Today her voice was not excited and her words were not the same.  I can not imagine what it is like for her to make these phone calls. 

My first thoughts were that I was glad we didn't travel all the way up to Illinois and turn around and come home with no baby. It's better this way, I said.  Easier.  

Although I am not sure easy is the word to use.  

I called Emery to tell him and immediately broke down crying. I am not sure what to compare this to, but it's a loss. I had spent the past few weeks preparing for him. I tried to tell myself I wasn't going to over-do it, just in case it didn't work out, but I still prepared. I bought a car seat, borrowed some newborn clothes from a friend, bought a tiny jacket, a couple onsies, diapers, a car seat cover and a diaper bag.  All essentials to bring this bundle home.  

I am fully aware that God has a divine plan for our family. He has the perfect baby already picked out for us. And when the time comes he will send him or her to us. I know all of this in my heart and my mind, but I am still sad. 

Pray for us. Pray for the wonderful woman who made this phone call today (because you know she has to do this more than she'd like). Pray for the baby boy whose life has just begun. Pray for his brave momma who made the best decision she could make. Pray for the child God has in store for us.